


A Secret Drowned Deeply

by MiserablePileOfSecrets



Series: Shorts from an RP [2]
Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types
Genre: Attempted Suicide, Drabble, Other, RP based work, drowing, for my boi at least, mentions of a dead pokemon too, this is a lot less fun than the other one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-07-13 04:32:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16010360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiserablePileOfSecrets/pseuds/MiserablePileOfSecrets
Summary: Having lost a pokemon close and dear to him, Felix felt like he'd lost everything like never before- all thanks to his sister. Left to his thoughts in the middle of the night, he makes a decision that'd forever haunt him for the rest of his life.





	A Secret Drowned Deeply

**Author's Note:**

> Another short dedicated to my character in that RP, this past event takes place before the previous one because I'm writing important events in any order I so choose. He's 12 in this one, ain't that great?

Here he was, standing stiff within the bathroom- a clean stark white room illuminated brightly from the afternoon sun. But there it was- the only **dark** stain sprawled on the floor, absorbing every inch of light and refusing to leave his gaze. He screamed- screeched and sobbed loudly as he stumbled to the ground next to the lifeless body of what used to be Kiki- his Sneasel. Lying next to her was his parents’ meds, or well, the empty bottle of them, pristine and open with the cap knocked away.

And then, as suddenly as he found himself staring down at her, cradling her dearly, there they were, towering over him, shrieking- yelling words he couldn’t hear anymore, ripping him away from his best friend. He tried to speak back say anything but every word out of his mouth emitted no sound- not to him, not to his parents. 

It was painful, he felt small and trapped, there wasn’t any escape before everything around him shattered at the only clear words in his head. 

**_“How pathetic you couldn’t stop her.”_**

Felix jumped awake, his chest felt tight, his body trembled, and his face was wet with tears. It was dark, _quiet too_ , of course it was- it seemed to be 2am in the morning. He shushed himself, picking up a pillow to muffle any whimpers or sobs. No, no, he didn’t want to wake anyone- no, only his sister, Esther would just make it worse. …But worse than _what_? He barely knew by this point. 

It had been a week after the incident- the one **_etched_** into his mind moment after moment, the one no one would surely let him live down for a long time. Every time Felix had stepped out of the house he was just met with glares and distrust, not even his friends wanted to bring their pokémon around him. 

_Oh, but why would they treat him any differently?_ It was clearly his fault Kiki died, he was a pokémon murderer now. It didn’t matter how much he knew otherwise, that Esther did it, opened the bottle, forced her to eat the pills, made sure she couldn’t run away until she **died** … how his poor pokémon could barely do anything besides shudder on the ground and heave up blood… 

Felix whimpered again, hugging the pillow and himself tightly as he tried to purge his sister’s words from his mind. He felt uneasy- like he’d puke as choked breaths came from him. His room _burned_ , a horrible suffocation he needed out of right now. As such, he carefully and quietly slipped from his bed and out his door.

The house was still quiet, and Felix felt tense walking down the hallway, past his parent’s room, past the **_bathroom_** and down the stairs. They creaked ever so slightly, but to him it almost sounded like deafening booms. 

No one cared, not about him, not about how his sister really was. It was his own pokémon who died and the most ‘comforting’ words he’d heard was _‘It deserved better’_ as if he didn’t have any dang feelings!

Felix slipped out the front door, the chilly night air piercing his skin and causing him to shiver. It was better than the boiling sickness being in his house felt though. He wanted to be father away from it though, away from the room that haunted him, away from his sister and parents, he mulled, wandering off.

Even Mom and Dad barely said anything on the incident, besides the initial panicked screaming and that he wasn’t allowed to own any more pokémon until they said otherwise. He could feel their disappointment whenever they looked at him- while they ‘comforted’ Esther for having an irresponsible brother that might hurt _her_ pokémon.

 _Where was he going?_ Felix idly thought apart from his sulking, he felt the grass under his feet, having avoided the dirt road in fear someone might see him. He didn’t know though, just let his body wander on auto-pilot away from everything.

He could barely take it anymore! She got away with **_everything_** , she could do no harm, couldn’t mess up- that was all him! Even his friends wouldn’t look at him any more and Felix felt they wouldn’t even again… 

And that was it, wasn’t it? He was stuck just being alone, pathetic and unable to do anything right. Even if it was his sister’s fault, he still let her do that, get away- _”How pathetic you couldn’t stop her.”_ How pathetic he couldn’t stop **_Esther_** , she took everything one-by-one from him and she was going to keep doing that, right?

Having wandered far enough from town, Felix let some of the sobs he’d been holding back out, no one would hear him- not in the forest and all its wetness.

Felix’s mind spun, his body ached from trying to suppress his earlier sobs and now from how much they wracked his form …and inside all that remained was **pain**. There wasn’t anything he could do to fix this, there wasn’t a way to bring back Kiki and why would anyone want to look at him.

 _Why couldn’t he just disappear!?_ If she was going to tear his life limb from limb and no one wanted to put it back together then she could just _have_ it, it’s clearly what everyone wants anyways. Him, out of the way, unable to break more things, bother others, no longer a burden on their backs. …If he did just up and disappeared, how long would it take for them to **_notice?_**

…Actually, **_couldn’t_** he? Felix glanced down at where he had come to a stop, the edge of the lake at his feet. It was quiet out here, lonely and empty at this time. No one was allowed at the lake at this time- it was closed to visitors …and no one to find him ever again. Wandering through the forest even brought him to the far side of the lake, away from all the service shacks. 

He sat down, gazing down into the water as it gently lapped at the land, his tears being the only thing causing ripples on the surface. Felix felt both numb to anything and weighed down by the crushing pain of everything both at once. …If he was gone, he wouldn’t be able to feel anything at all- not this aching, not this sickness, all he’d have to do was _jump_ in and … **not come back** , **_let himself sink_**.

And so, he did, climbing a nearby tree, Felix simply leapt from it into the cold water of the Lake of Rage. It was an odd experience at first, he’d jumped, been pushed, fallen into the lake many times before and it started feeling just like that. Except there was no kicking up, swimming to the surface, in fact, he fought the urge back.

…And soon, it stopped feeling like that, the farther he let himself sink, the heavier everything around him weighed- his body- the water- his lungs begging for air and his thoughts started to spin. _What was he doing_!? Wait, **_no_** , the way his body ached now, how much worse it felt when he finally struggled to _breathe_ only to be met with water. He felt **_terrified_** , frantically trying to struggle, gulping down water where he wanted **air**.

He didn’t want this, he didn’t want to **_die_**! But it was too late, his limbs felt weak, _paralyzed_ , they wouldn’t move- kick- swing no matter how much he willed. His body searched to cry, scream and all it was met with was the stinging chill of **liquid** where it desperately sought to breathe and the last of it left in pitiful bubbles from his mouth and nose. And as soon as he felt empty- **dead** before he truly was -something snagged him, pushed him up as he was swiftly dumped on the shore of the lake. 

Felix gasped for air, coughing and spitting up as much water as he possibly could. Everything ached, his lungs and stomach filled with water that shouldn’t be there, his skin and muscles down to the bone with the cold snap of the lake. He pushed himself into at least being on his knees, hunched over as he spewed the contents of his stomach. His body shook and shivered, and he didn’t know how long it was until he no longer felt like he was dying.

 _He was **pathetic**_ , Felix mulled, _worthless, weak_ , he honestly didn’t deserve this life, did he? Not if he almost threw it away like that, did exactly what **_Esther_** certainly would want. Why should he even give her that satisfaction? He had fallen back to lying on his side, regulate his breathing, regain feeling in his body. He was soaked to the bone though and very cold, if he stayed here any longer drowning wouldn’t be the death of him.

As such, Felix pulled himself up to his feet weakly and began to trek home. The sun was rising on the horizon, _was he really out that long_? …He didn’t want to be caught outside at this time at all and in a blur, raced back to his house.

The town was still quiet when Felix got back, still as ever and no lights on at his house indicated everyone was still asleep, _phew_. He crept back through the front door, by now he was mostly dry from the lake, and only vaguely damp and cold. Now all he had to do was make it back to his room …though as he did, he felt his whole world **_shatter_** from the first words he’d heard all night.

“Where’d you go this late, _Fix_?” His sister’s voice rang out as his gaze locked on her sitting at the base of the stairs.

She was up and _nothing_ terrified Felix **more** than that mere concept in this moment. She couldn’t know- no one could, what would they do to him if they knew he had just tried to commit suicide? Mock him? Pin him as the pathetic little mess up they already thought he was from just Esther’s words who could only escape by the sweet release of death? He couldn’t find words- couldn’t open his mouth as he closed the door.

“Sneaking out to play with some pokémon?” Esther giggled, “I don’t think Mom or Dad would like that~” Her voice made his form tremble even more than it already was from the cold.

But he had no words to bite back, a lump forming in his throat. Sure fine, if that was what she’d tell them in the morning, he’ll deal with the consequence of that. For now, Felix just tried to blank out the terror on the steps, her gaze piercing at his skin as he silently walked past her and up to his room.

“What, Sneasel got your tongue? Come on, I’ll find out either way~”

 ** _No_** _, she wouldn’t_. He’d bury that moment **_deeper_** than he sunk in the lake.


End file.
